Friday, July 26, 2013

Meditation and the environment

Meditation and environment

Written at midnight in old town Heidelberg, Germany.

I remember a certain episode of mein life, I was twenty one years old living by myself on Vancouver Island. I had been staying in an old but quaint apartment for a few months now, playing guitar, video games, and not going to class. My anxiety had risen to my neck and there was no school going or studying for me. I spent most of my time attempting to drown out my mind with fried foods and virtual realities. I also received a note in my mailbox from my neighbors once. It simply said: noisy fucker. I guess I was inconsiderate of both my inner world and my outer world.

As the turmoil in my mental landscape increased, the world out there followed suit. I began to spend more and more of my time creating and fighting silly battles that seemed absolutely crucial at the time.

The battle for this episode was the clicking and whirring sounds made by my slightly aged fridge. Management did not care for my silly complaints and my attempts to not let the noise bother me were utter failures. Day by day the whirring gizmatic sounds of my food preserver seemed to increase in volume. I was at the point now where the noise would keep me up at night.

The noise came in cycles. Approximately twenty minutes of click clack whirrs followed by five minutes of rest.  The five minutes of quiet were zones of "peace" where I would desperately attempt to fall asleep. On this particular night I was failing over and over again. My mind would not give rest to my aching field of awareness.

I snapped. I sprung out of bed with the fury of a blood-lusted orc. If I was salivating like a savage I would not be surprised. I bulldozed towards the fridge and shook it like a madman. I didn't realize the enemy was myself at the time so the fridge had to be the problem. If I could satisfy this condition then peace would be mine. I shook and rumbled the fridge more; the sounds stopped for a moment only to come back seemingly stronger. Alright mother-father round two. I stumbled in the darkness still brooding with a silly sort of anxious madness and equipped myself with a modern bludgeoning weapon. A hammer.  What the fuck is up now huh??? I am smirking as I write this...

I swung at the fridge with the might of Thor. A cathartic experience. I opened the freezer to reveal it's noisy guts. This must be the motor that has been causing me so much distress. Whack bam THWOK, a resilient foe the motor is. I struck at the motor wildly for a good five minutes before pieces of it began to fall off and suddenly it was quiet. I was left with a deafening silence that spoke to me softly; i am losing my fucking mind. Still, victory was mine and through imaginary battles of grandeur I had earned myself a nights sleep. Peace was mine until the next inevitable conjuration of a soul riddled with anxiety.

Now I sit here on a lively Saturday in old town Heidelberg. My  bare feet in half lotus position against the cold metal grated bench. Throngs of people walk by, conversing loudly, singing, and smoking. All this noise and yet there is peace and joy inside. Through meditation I had learned to let the sounds of my inner and outer world play. Through meditation I have found a center that is at the very least, resilient to the conditions that disturb my peace. I believe there is unconditional peace and love within, how lucky i am to have had the time to find it.

What a journey it has been.


Anonymous said...

Did they keep your damage deposit?

Post a Comment